Fear.
Not paralyzing fear. Not fear about interacting with them in general. It’s fear connected specifically with being in the saddle, feet in stirrups, reins in hand. And it’s not groundless fear. I fell or was thrown off both horses early in our relationship. I don’t bounce like I did when I was younger, and it took quite some time to mend from my impactful meetings with the ground. Memories of those experiences rise involuntarily when I mount, and stick around through every ride.
My confidence as a horseman is low. I’m not sure about my seat or my balance. I haven’t acquired the muscle memory that will keep me in the saddle if the horse suddenly goes sideways.
“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” This quote is misattributed to John Wayne; he said it alright, but it was a line in the movie Stagecoach. It’s a great quote, useful in so many areas of life, except, in my opinion, the one that it refers to. I can’t think of anything more dangerous than getting on the back of a horse in spite of being scared to death. It’s asking for trouble. Not only can a horse pick up on fear in its rider (which activates hair-trigger prey responses), the rider’s own decision making abilities and reactions can be impaired. All that, plus doing anything in the midst of fear isn’t any fun, and fun needs to be part of the equation for me.
Being fearful doesn’t stop me. I’m engaging with my fear, and being patient with myself. I work with Chuy and Travis on the ground almost every day, sometimes haltered, sometimes not. I show them that I am lead mare, that they can trust me, and that being with me is a pleasant experience. I’m teaching them cues and movements from the ground that will translate to the saddle. I am learning to trust them as partners. And, at the same time, I am doing exercises and simulations that help my confidence as a rider.
Just as I have learned to “advance and retreat” when the horse I’m working with suddenly goes into prey mode, I am advancing, retreating when I hit a new fear threshold, then advancing again. It may be a “three steps forward, two steps back” kind of progress, but it’s progress!
I may never ride my horses. My whole relationship with them may be from the ground. That’s okay, but not likely. As I master new levels of horsemanship from the ground, I shed my fear bit by bit. I’m confident that a day will come when I know it’s time; that I can lead from the saddle as well as I lead from the ground. It may be in a month, it may be in a year, it may take longer, but it will come. I’m not worried about it. I’m having loads of fun with the boys today, and I know that we will keep having fun, however the process unfolds!
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